Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

10 Years Of Missing You

October 11, 2018

Dear Jordan,

Experience is teaching me that the days approaching the anniversary of your death are weighed down with the anticipation of being overwhelmed by grief that I won’t be able to bear. Today I’m desperately trying to let the sun bring the essence of you into what feels like a dark hole. On raw days like this I look for solace in the kaleidoscope of memories that are my refuge from missing you too much.

I long for what our family’s normal used to be. I’ve cried so many tears for the part of me that will always be the mama whose son died in a car accident, where his friends walked away unharmed. I close my eyes, willing an image of you as the 29 year old man you would be. Your voice, bright eyes and beautiful smile are indelible on my heart and no amount of time could change that.  But what I wouldn’t give to touch your face and envelop you in a hug.

I know my tears are cleansing and a balm for my mother heart. When the pain subsides I’ll feel again that I’m more than my grief and continue experiencing life with a fierceness I won’t deny. October 12th 2018 marks ten years without you and marking time this way will never feel right to me. I have to remind myself that when you died I couldn’t imagine that I’d be able to endure one day let alone all the days that comprise these 10 years. I have faced them though, with courage no one could have told me I possessed. I’m working hard to keep healing and I live with purpose and joy.

It’s obvious, but I need to say it anyway. You flash through my mind with a regularity that rivals my heartbeat. I’m so grateful you graced this earth and left your mark. I’m honest with myself that I’ll always long for you. It is the part of loss that I accept and embrace as my right. Jordan, I got to be your mama and that is one of my greatest joys. Relationships are eternal. You will always be my son. I live with you in my heart. We keep going.

 

Love,

Mama

Jordan on his way to his dorm his sophomore year of college.

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Comments on: "10 Years Of Missing You" (3)

  1. Sending you heaping hugs of grace and gratitude for who you are. 🙏✨💜

    Peace!🌀 Susan Lucci http://www.2big4words.org 708-557-1176

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  2. Cindy Bott said:

    Somewhere, somehow my path crossed with yours in cyber space. I too am a mother of 4 , boys to be exact. My youngest taken in a car accident at age 20.
    Your words are inspiring and reflect the whispering in the hearts of those of us who have had to endure this.. I crossed that ten year mark not long ago too. Somehow the days roll forward when we can’t imagine it to be possible.
    I am so sorry for you loss, your hurt. Only those of us who have lost a child can truly get it.
    Somehow we continue to live in a world as our hearts cling to memories and what could have been, and part of us has gone with our sons.
    May you continue to endure and feel the strength from those of us who walk this lonely path together.
    To know someone else you have not met, hears your beautiful words and feels that very same emptiness is a unity of souls.
    Thank you and may God bless you and your family as you move forward.❤️

  3. Joylynn Pruitt Afmdams said:

    Beautiful. MY your soul always mesh with Jordan’s.

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