October 11, 2018
Experience is teaching me that the days approaching the anniversary of your death are weighed down with the anticipation of being overwhelmed by grief that I won’t be able to bear. Today I’m desperately trying to let the sun bring the essence of you into what feels like a dark hole. On raw days like this I look for solace in the kaleidoscope of memories that are my refuge from missing you too much.
I long for what our family’s normal used to be. I’ve cried so many tears for the part of me that will always be the mama whose son died in a car accident, where his friends walked away unharmed. I close my eyes, willing an image of you as the 29 year old man you would be. Your voice, bright eyes and beautiful smile are indelible on my heart and no amount of time could change that. But what I wouldn’t give to touch your face and envelop you in a hug.
I know my tears are cleansing and a balm for my mother heart. When the pain subsides I’ll feel again that I’m more than my grief and continue experiencing life with a fierceness I won’t deny. October 12th 2018 marks ten years without you and marking time this way will never feel right to me. I have to remind myself that when you died I couldn’t imagine that I’d be able to endure one day let alone all the days that comprise these 10 years. I have faced them though, with courage no one could have told me I possessed. I’m working hard to keep healing and I live with purpose and joy.
It’s obvious, but I need to say it anyway. You flash through my mind with a regularity that rivals my heartbeat. I’m so grateful you graced this earth and left your mark. I’m honest with myself that I’ll always long for you. It is the part of loss that I accept and embrace as my right. Jordan, I got to be your mama and that is one of my greatest joys. Relationships are eternal. You will always be my son. I live with you in my heart. We keep going.