Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

Amherst, Massachusetts

I’m sitting on the couch, my right ankle propped up on a pillow with a bag of ice underneath and one to the side of my ankle. I have to check in with my doctor tomorrow to let her know if the antibiotics are working and the swelling in my ankle has subsided or at least not gotten worse. Being forced to be off my feet is not something I do well. Pain is ruling however and I’m listening to my body even though I’ve told it that I have a meeting today at 12:15 that I plan on attending. For me, idle body means overactive mind, taking me to places I’m not sure I’m ready to go. Thinking of the things yet to be done that I desperately want to do. Spreading Jordan’s ashes, turning “Jordan’s Fund,” into an official non-profit and most importantly helping my daughters as the awareness that their brother Merrick will be going off to college soon. None of these thoughts happen in any organized fashion but rather like a racquetball bouncing off of any available wall. I’m still learning how to quiet my mind.

Later today Mark and I are meeting with an alum from Amherst College to officially set up a scholarship fund in Jordan’s memory. I’ve stopped myself from saying, “finally,” set up a scholarship fund because I have felt that after 2 1/2 years we should have already had a scholarship in place. I decided that guilt wasn’t helping the process at all and that my goal of having a scholarship in place by what should be his graduating year has to be good enough.

Jordan’s Fund has been in existence since the week he died. My friend Michele went with me to the bank to set it up so that in lieu of flowers, people would have a resource to honor Jordan and his love of learning. I’ll never forget sitting in that bank officer’s cubicle filling out paperwork and being prompted by Michele to answer questions when my mind would wander to, “What am I doing here? Where’s Jordan?” But we did it and every year since his death we have had a celebration of Jordan’s life where we’ve welcomed donations to Jordan’s Fund. There will be scholarship funds at his high school and his college.

I subscribe online to  the Writer’s Almanac because I like starting my day with a poem. When I opened the email this morning the title of the poem was, “Amherst Massachusetts,” by Jaimee Kuperman. Just seeing the title felt like another validation that we are doing right by our son. In May, my family won’t get to see Jordan receive the college diploma from the school he loved. There will however be scholarships for years to come for incoming students with a love of learning and a thirst for social justice. Jordan will live on through the learning of others.

Jordan just learning of his acceptance to Amherst College


Comments on: "Amherst, Massachusetts" (6)

  1. Hope you feel better soon.

    I’m glad Jordan continues to stay close to you all and remind you to follow your instincts.


    • alwaysmomof4 said:

      I appreciate and am comforted by all of your comments.
      Thank you,

  2. Such a generous way to honor your son! You & your family continue to act with strength & courage as you mourn the loss of Jordan.

  3. Jackie–These scholarships sound like such a wonderful idea. I concur that you should definitely not beat yourself up about the timing of everything. It sounds like a lot of not-fun (to say the least!) paperwork involved, so just pace yourself. But what a wonderful tribute to wonderful Jordan. I’m sending good wishes and hopes that you’ll be feeling better soon and that you’ll get little bursts of energy in order to be able to slowly complete the tasks required.

    Continuing to think of you and your sweet family.

    Tracy M.

  4. Hope you are feeling better and moving around shortly. I’ve been following the strength and courage of you and your family and know that Jordan will always be proud of you. The scholarship will be an honor for the recipients, and for those of us who keep him in our hearts and thoughts, an opportunity to witness another example of Jordan’s giving.

  5. Jackie, I applaud you and Mark for your generosity in the face of the constant pain of your loss. What a wonderful way to help others realize that Jordan IS. And he is. Every day, without failing, in every breath and every heartbeat.
    Hugs to your beautiful family.

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