Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

For much of my day, Jordan stands in the distance. He is far off and a bit hazy but I know it’s him. His stubbornness shows even in death. He doesn’t come closer when I beckon him, only when he feels it is the right time.

I’m learning how to listen to the laughter of his siblings and embrace its authenticity without always thinking, and wishing Jordan should be here. My children are circling each other, finding ways to be together that has Jordan as their outer orbit with his arms stretched wide encircling them all. They’re laughing more, teasing each other and having private brother sister jokes that tickle them to no end. I watch them and see how they’re moving on, grateful but always a little afraid that their joy means Jordan has been relegated to the past.

I don’t want any of us crippled by grief. All of us must plan and enjoy life. Moving forward with joy must not feel like a sting against Jordan’s memory. We’re planning a trip for spring break, to feel sun and warmth.

Yet again the, “How many” question will be asked? I’m getting better at saying 5 without adding caveats of, “We’ll always be 6.” I feel all of us moving forward and I feel Jordan near even when I can’t make out his face.

Jordan's forever beach chair

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Comments on: "Circling, Orbiting and Making His Presence Known" (4)

  1. Dear Jackie…I know this is TOTALLY about me…but when I read that the kids are “moving on” I tense up. It feels like Jordan may indeed be relegated to the past. Perhaps they are learning to “move with” this new relationship that they have with Jordan, with each other, and with life itself. Feels better. Love, Tom

  2. alwaysmomof4 said:

    I tense up too Tom when I say, “moving on.” It does feel better to say that they are moving with Jordan. The reality for us seems to be that there are times when they need to move on, plain and simple. The same way they move on as individuals when they go away to camp or take classes without one of their siblings. At these moments they’re individuals, not being anyone’s twin or little brother or sister. They’re writing their own stories and sometimes it means separating from the family unit. I know it’s convoluted because I always see and I know they feel Jordan with them. But as I said in my post sometimes he’s at a distance, hazy but still there wanting them to identify themselves.

  3. I love the image of Jordan being in his siblings’ outer orbit, with his arms always wrapped around them. Like Saturn with its rings, they wouldn’t be the same people, identifiable as themselves, without Jordan around them. Beautiful.

  4. Jordan will always move with you. The five of you keep him alive. Big hugs.

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