Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

I’m sitting near a space heater wearing two pairs of socks, fleece pants, an undershirt, thermal shirt, sweater and gloves. Oh yeah, and the dog is thankfully nuzzled next to my legs. To be honest, this is one day when I’d give anything for a hot flash.The furnace quit last night and according to the repairman it, “should,” be fixed tomorrow when the replacement part for the motor comes in. It’s 25 degrees outside with a mix of snow and freezing rain and everyone’s home because of the MLK holiday. I seem to be the only one in a funk about the day’s events, probably because I’ll be the one waiting tomorrow for the repairman with his 8 hour window. I’m cold. I’m bored and finding it hard to get motivated about anything.

I forgot to mention that Merrick has final exams starting tomorrow so he’s home studying because the libraries are closed and won’t go to a friends because, in his words, “I don’t like to study with other people.” I’m worried about Merrick’s finals hoping, praying that he does well but at the same time not wanting to put too much pressure on him. Providing a balance of guidance and freedom with a teenager when grief is in the mix is a powerful potion I don’t always handle well.

He knows how important his schoolwork is. He doesn’t need me telling him how much these grades matter for college. I worry all the same. As soon as I think college I get anxious. What if he doesn’t get into college, what will we do? What if he does get into college, what will we do?

Freezing rain and a broken furnace have turned this day into a different one altogether than I imagined. There’ll be no trips to museums or movies yet the girls are perfectly content to read and play Just Dance on the Wii. I have had a cynical laugh or two at how bent out of shape I am over today’s events.

I’m sitting quietly for now trying to ease my racing mind and not get too far ahead of myself. Soon I’ll quiz Merrick for his history final and I’ll need the patience of Job to help me when he answers every suggestion I have with, “I know.” I think I’ll take a turn on, “Just Dance,” before the quizzing begins.

Thanks for listening to my rant.


Comments on: "No Such Thing As An Ordinary Day" (6)

  1. Patti Banks said:

    You’d be amazed at the restorative powers of Just Dance Wii. You definitely should try it and you’ll get a good workout and the fun of laughing at yourself

  2. Isn’t it amazing how the loss of those “small” luxuries can set you into a funk? Our refrigerator is on the fritz (not as serious as a furnace!) so we didn’t have our usual stock of half and half, milk etc. I just kept bitching all day about not having a decent cup of coffee. It’s horrible to be cold or uncomfortable in your own home. Hope all is better tomorrow.

  3. A broken furnace and the anxiety of the next one to go through the college admissions process. A tough combination at the best of times. Every day, I wish for peace for you, Mark, and your beautiful children. A broken furnace does not fall under my description of “peace.”

  4. You don’t know me, but I was at a business reception in
    central Il., when someone asked me how many children I had. I said I had 5, but we had lost our 25 year old son to cancer on July 24th, 2010. She said she had a friend with a blog ALWAYSMOMOF4 and shared with me so much of your pain and what you are still going through. (I’m sorry I can’t remember your friend’s name
    but she is on the Advocate Medical Hospital board.)
    I came home and googled your blog – my heart just dropped when I started reading it, as our son’s name was JORDAN, too!! I read your blog, weeping , sharing
    and experiencing so much of the same pain you’ve felt. Getting through Christmas for the first time, forcing myself to just do things, surrounding ourselves with momentos of him, etc. I took such comfort in reading your blog, knowing how much you were missing your Jordan, too! God has been such a strenth to us through,bringing us comfort through people, cards, encouragement, even your friend sharing your grief. Our son was married w/ 2 daughters, 1 and 3 years old. We miss him terribly and can’t believe he is really gone. The tears come at so many unexpected times and without any warning. I just felt like I should share this w/ you. Sorry for such a long post. Rachel

    • alwaysmomof4 said:

      Thank you Rachel for your comment and for visiting my blog. I’m sorry for your loss and am learning that the sadness and grief of loss can be harsh but ebb and flow.
      Our Jordan’s are greatly missed but I am so glad we’ve met here through Michele.

  5. Nothing wrong with being in a funk from time to time. It’s especially hard when you’re the mom (and thus, the emotional thermostat for your family), but give yourself permission to wallow in it for one day and then grin like a fool when that fixed furnace kicks in!

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