October 12th is the day that splits, “Before” and “After.”As this weekend starts, which feels eerily similar to the weekend right before 10/12/08, the day Jordan died; there are so many traumatic images and sounds that are forcing their way into view. There is so much pain that resurfaces this time of year. I can’t block out all the pain. Tremors of grief force sobs and wails from me. The fierceness of mourning interrupts my sleep and makes me cover my ears every time I hear the sound of a siren.
Missing and loving Jordan are not done by me alone. I’m trying to soothe my spirit even though I can’t change the fact that on the 12th two years ago, police officers came to my door and told me my son was dead. There is a balm that provides some comfort. It is thinking of all those who have expressed their love for Jordan and shown my family and I we are not alone.
I think about the way Jordan’s friend Sam showed his love for his friend. The morning Jordan’s friend Sam found out about Jordan’s death, he had “Taps,” played at his military college. Sam had his parents present the 13 point folded flag that waved during its playing to us at the memorial service. This act of love and celebration of a life well lived are running through my mind as my longing for my boy is so powerful.
Here are other gestures of love by family and friends:
Here’s part of a poem written by one of Jordan’s best friends Kathryn:
At night, when I’m lonely, sad, scared, feeling vulnerable, misunderstood
I miss the hell out of him
I know he’s not RIP
flying in peace
all around me
whenever I need him
There are many family and friends who like me are missing Jordan and wishing for a glimpse of his smile and to hear his voice once more. I am not alone in wanting October 12th to be an ordinary day.