Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

October 12th is the day that splits, “Before” and “After.”As this weekend starts, which feels eerily similar to the weekend right before 10/12/08, the day Jordan died; there are so many traumatic images and sounds that are forcing their way into view. There is so much pain that resurfaces this time of year. I can’t block out all the pain. Tremors of grief  force sobs and wails from me. The fierceness of mourning interrupts my sleep and makes me cover my ears every time I hear the sound of a siren.

Missing and loving Jordan are not done by me alone.  I’m trying to soothe my spirit even though I can’t change the fact that on the 12th two years ago, police officers came to my door and told me my son was dead. There is a balm that provides some comfort. It is thinking of all those who have expressed their love for Jordan and shown my family and I we are not alone.

On a table in my living room there is the framed picture of Jordan from his high school newspaper days given to us by his friend Claire. 

I think about the way Jordan’s friend Sam showed his love for his friend. The morning Jordan’s friend Sam found out about Jordan’s death, he had “Taps,” played at his military college. Sam had his parents present the 13 point folded flag that waved during its playing to us at the memorial service. This act of love and celebration of a life well lived are running through my mind as my longing for my boy is so powerful.

Here are other gestures of love by family and friends:

Jordan we love you

A card my sister made in honor of Jordan’s 20th birthday celebration



A friend of Jordan got an "Air J" tatoo in memory of Jordan.



During 2009-10 Amherst College football season, Jordan's friend Sean honored Jordan by wearing number, "89," in honor of Jordan's birthday.


Here’s part of a poem written by one of Jordan’s best friends Kathryn:

I miss him.
At night, when I’m lonely, sad, scared, feeling vulnerable, misunderstood
I miss the hell out of him
Even now when things go wrong, he’s the first person I think to call
It’s not until I pick up the phone that I realize he’s no longer on the other end
Sometimes I’ll make the call anyway
just to hear his voicemail
“hello this is Jordan…” 

I know he’s not RIP
He’s FIP
flying in peace
all around me

whenever I need him
just like always
he’s there.

There are many family and friends who like me are missing Jordan and wishing for a glimpse of his smile and to hear his voice once more. I am not alone in wanting October 12th to be an ordinary day.


Comments on: "Cushioning The Impact of the Day" (3)

  1. Dear Jackie,
    What wonderful tributes to your amazing son. The friend wearing the “89” on his jersey moved me to tears. I wish for you that October 12th is someday not nearly as horrible as worrying about it must be. I am so, so sorry, Jackie, and I send you my kindest thoughts.
    Your virtual friend,

  2. I have chills here! I love that you are cataloging the tokens of love for your son and I’m sure they are just the tip of the iceberg.

    Sending love and light.

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