Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

Fall is here. October is here. Today, Saturday, I’m at home after going to my daughters’ soccer game and I feel melancholy starting to cling to my heart. It is the same routine kind of Saturday that it was when Jordan sent me a text message saying he was on his way to Baltimore, a trip that would end with a car accident and the death of my son.

I realized it was October when I wrote a check earlier today. It is the second of the month and I wondered why it didn’t register yesterday that the month had changed. The anniversary of the day Jordan died is October 12th. For some reason I’d gotten it into my head that this year marked the 3rd year since Jordan died. It wasn’t until I received a card from a friend on Friday who said she was thinking of me as the 2nd anniversary approached that I reconciled the year. I read her words at first and disputed her claim.

“It’s been three years.”

The only way I was sure of how many years it has been was by doing the math. “Okay it’s 2010 and the accident happened in 2008. Oh my God, she’s right it’s only 2 years.”

I’m not sure how I measure time anymore. I told Mark of thinking we were approaching the 3rd year anniversary of Jordan’s death. He immediately understood my confusion. He told me, “Maybe you were counting impacts instead of years. That night when we heard the news was one, then marking two years since the accident makes it feel like 3 years.”

I nodded my head in assent as my throat ached with tears.

My family is in the season when thoughts of, “Before Jordan died,” and “Since Jordan died,” are the subtitles to our experiences, bringing with them an encroaching pain that shoves aside recent joy. It is October and the 12th will come. The pain and images of late night calls, police officers at the door and moans and screams of unimaginable loss threaten to shove aside recent joy.  We keep going knowing that not far from October 12th is the 20th a day to celebrate life and the birthday of my son Merrick. Please send us your love, your light and your prayers.

Family pictures

Joking for the camera as Jordan was off to his Senior prom


Comments on: "Fall Is Here and I’m Trying Not To Fall" (7)

  1. Consider my prayers sent. Anniversaries like this are so difficult, like this continual ripping off of the Band-Aid that inflicts pain all over again. I hope that your family gathers the strength being sent to you from those who are thinking of you and shield yourselves with it.

    I will be marking the anniversary with you as my father died two and a half years ago in my arms and his birthday is October 11.

    Love and light.

  2. OK, Jackie! You look drop dead gorgeous in that senior prom picture! WOW! Girl! Amazing! How can we keep you from falling!!? We are here! We are here! We will get through this! Promise! Remember how much fun you had last weekend? Let’s get more of that into your life! Blessings on your journey! Thanks for sharing it!

  3. Jackie, I am sending my wishes for peace for you. What a nightmare that date is for you. I thought of you as I turned the calendar myself yesterday. It’s a good thing that only 8 days later you have a huge joy to celebrate.
    Hang on, Jackie, hang on. I’m so very sorry.

  4. Jackie–Thanks so much for posting these pictures of your gorgeous family. Your smile in those pictures looks reminiscent of your smile from your pictures at Brown—I hope with all my might that you will have another occasion to smile that smile again very soon (It sounds like Merrick’s birthday might be something great to look forward to as a “light at the end of the very terrible beginning of October tunnel”).

    The fact that it is already October really snuck up on me, too, and I know I have several calendars with pages that still have to be turned ahead to the next month, so I even can’t imagine what you are going through. My love, light, and prayers are definitely sent your way.

  5. Oh, Jackie, I can only imagine how difficult October is for you. I think fall hits all of us grieving mamas hard, but those of us with birthdays and anniversaries this month get a double whammy. I just shared this with Katie over at mamapundit, and thought I would share it with you. I found it a rather comforting description of how fall impacts the human spirit– I hope it brings you some kind of comfort, too:

    I will just give you back your always good advice to me: be gentle with yourself. Always thinking of you, Jackie.

    • alwaysmomof4 said:

      The article is such an apt description of Fall. Thank you for the reminder. Trying to be gentle with and good to myself.

  6. Just stopping by again to check in and send hugs and hopes. One foot in front of the other, every day.

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