Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

How Can I See You

The other night I asked Mark what was the latest video we had of Jordan. I want and need to see him as close to the age that he was right before he died. I need to see him in motion. I need a Jordan review, to make sure that the way I’m remembering his voice, his mannerisms, his movements are holding up.

Every year watching his friends and peers go back to college is tough. This year it feels like a physical wound that I’m nursing. I’m the walking wounded, carrying on with my responsibilities and routines but always reminded of the ache fueled by hopes and dreams left undone.  I’m trying to let this wound of anger, sadness and longing subside in its own time. While it’s here it is proving stubborn. Reminders of Jordan as a college student are everywhere and they feed my sadness. I learned recently that Jordan’s school is ranked as the top college in the country. I imagine how proud and yes smug he would be about, “his school.” I think about all the opportunities that would lie ahead of him. I imagine what path he would be choosing next.

Right now, I’m so angry and hurt that he’s not here. When I read about the college rankings, the first thing that I thought was, “I can’t wait to talk to Jordan about this.” Just as quickly I know he and I can’t have the kind of conversation that I want to have. In those brief seconds when I forget I can’t call him or get his reaction to something I’m stunned and grateful at the same time. Every once in a while I have the briefest drips of time where in my mind Jordan didn’t die. It is oddly comforting.

Anger (Why Jordan?), confusion (How did this happen?)and longing (I want my son back!) are driving my need to see him in motion. Pictures aren’t enough. I want to be as close as I can to viewing and witnessing the embodiment of my son. Mark is trying to find the last recording we have of Jordan. He thinks it’s from August of 2008 when he took Jordan back to school his sophomore year. The night I asked Mark about the latest video we have of Jordan, I cried myself to sleep holding Mark’s hand. All I could say was, “I need to see him.”

I’ve circled back to watching and want to share with you the video made by Jordan’s friend Matt for Jordan’s Memorial Service. It is a beautiful tribute to Jordan, made by a talented, true friend.


Comments on: "How Can I See You" (6)

  1. Susan Lucci said:

    What a neat video. Ahhhhh! I can feel the energy of Jordan and I never met him. Jackie, he is not gone. He is still with you, albeit in another form. He has transformed and so must we. All I know is that we have more than 5 senses and there are many other possibilities besides that which we think we know. You can’t see him with your eyes, or touch him with your hands….but his energy is still alive in the memories you hold, for starters. Do you have any success tapping into this energy? Does it bring you any sense of peace or connection? Your three children and husband reflect some of his energy as well. Allow it to flow into these empty holes you are feeling. I also hear that you want to talk to him….go ahead! Write to him, sing to him, he hears you, and so do we. Dear Jordan, You are loved! That’s what I hear! Keep writing…

    Blessings on your journey.

  2. Jackie,
    I have great regret over not having a video camera to record my children as they have grown. I know you must feel so connected when you see him in motion and hear his voice. I’m so, so sorry. I know I will have to watch this when I get home tonight and can give it the attention it deserves. For whatever it’s worth, I speak Jordan’s name every day.
    Hugs…big hugs.

  3. What a gift! The video, your family, Jordan’s smile and energy. What a gift. Thank you for sharing him with the world. I hope that you find some peace in watching him on your own and through the eyes of your blog readers.

    Love and light.

  4. Wow, Jackie. I’m so glad you have this video. What an amazing tribute. It is truly beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing it. No words.

  5. Oh, Jackie. Beautiful Jordan. I am so grateful that you shared that video with us. My favorite clip was of him grinning and dancing to “Whoomp, There It Is!” He was totally himself and loving it. It is so obvious that your home is one that is full of all-out love. I can just feel your longing to see him again. I hope that you can find that last video of him and that these images bring you some comfort and peace. Much love to you.

  6. I love everything about the video tribute Jackie. Your children are stunningly beautiful.

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