Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

8.9.10

Tomorrow’s date is 8-9-10. It is Jordan’s 21st birthday. I’m home today wondering how I’ll make it through tomorrow without crumpling and breaking. Today I keep agonizing over why I didn’t plan differently and have my family away for this weekend and tomorrow. Somehow the distraction of a different place seems like it would be a balm to ease us into honoring Jordan and celebrating his life. It may be “smoke and mirrors” to assume that a change of venue would mean hurting less. Right now it’s a chance I wished I’d taken. Today my mood has been one of longing and sorrow. Grief has me wishing I could transcend time, move to August 10th and keep August 9th as a day touched only by joy and celebration.

Last year was our first August without Jordan. We approached his birthday last year with trepidation and confusion. We knew we would ache for him and wondered how we would manage to celebrate his day. The day came and so did the realization that celebrating his life was vital to keeping his memory alive. This year feels harder knowing that last year was the beginning of our “August 9th’s” without Jordan. Tomorrow is a hallmark birthday, one of the final milestones of youth. It is a day that I looked forward to toasting with my son not in memoriam to him.

Tomorrow will come, as has every day since October 12th, 2008.  I hope and pray that intertwined with my sadness will be enough love to see me through. I miss my boy. I want Jordan back. I want him to come home. I want to sing “Happy Birthday” to Jordan and watch him proclaim himself officially a man. My heart is so heavy right now. The thought that tomorrow, especially tomorrow can come without Jordan on this earth makes my throat ache with tears.

Today I cry for all the things he doesn’t get to do or be. Would he have been the political pundit, expertly using what he’d learned as a Political Science Major? Or would he have followed his love for music, especially hip hop and jazz and became a record producer? When would he have married? Would he have travelled the globe having adventures and friends all around the world? Those are the things I wonder about and on good days dream about. I’m trying to let tomorrow,8.9.10, take care of itself without my worry and sorrow guiding its outcome. It will always be a special day because twenty one years ago, it gave me my firstborn. Jordan came into this world and gave me the gift of motherhood.

A special moment with my firstborn

Jordan at his 1st birthday party, laughing at his Dad whose trying to get him to blow out candle.

Jordan and I when we dropped him off at college his Freshman year.

Advertisements

Comments on: "8.9.10" (8)

  1. I cannot find the words I want. I am so, so sorry, Jackie.

  2. I’m so sorry. I am praying for you, your husband, and your children to make it through this day as best as you can.

  3. Jackie,

    Happy Birthday to your Jordan on his 8/9/10 birthday! Jackie, he is so precious as a little baby and a little boy, and so handsome as a young man. And in his Freshman picture taken with you, you both are radiant and gorgeous. I know you miss him terribly.

    You will be in my heart and my prayers all day today and for the next few days as I know they can be hard too. My heart hurts for you in your great loss and on this momentous day, that although he would be 21, instead, like my baby girl, it seems they are forever 19…our “Teen Angels.”

    {I’ll bet Jordan and Merry Katherine have met by now and are having some festive playful times together. I wonder if together, they mischievously worked it out with God for you and me to meet one another so we could comfort and encourage one another?}

    May God bless you and hold you oh so close to His heart today, Jackie,
    (Isaiah 40:11)

    And may our Lord rejoice over Jordan today…as in Zephaniah 3 17 ~The Lord your God is with Jordan, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in him, He will quiet him with His love, He will rejoice over him with singing!

    …And may our God hold our children close until that great day when we too will be able to…

    Much love to you,

    Angie

  4. Tracy M. said:

    Thinking about you and your family today, and of course especially about your Jordan. I hope your celebration of him today brings back many happy memories, and allows you to feel at least a few flickers of real joy in remembering them, even amidst what I’m sure will be a lot of sadness.

  5. Hi Jackie –

    I will pray that God’s grace, in the form of friends and family, will carry you through the day. I know it is so hard, and sometimes I think the anticipation of these milestone days is even worse.

    With much understanding, Carol Herrmann
    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/carolineh

  6. I am so thankful that Jordan was born 21 years ago. I am thankful he picked you and Mark to be his parents…the perfect parents to teach him what he needed to learn this time around. He loved and was loved. He loves and is loved. What more is there?

  7. I am thinking of you and your family today. I hope that on his birthday you feel his presence closer than before. I know he is looking down on all of you and sending you peace and love.

  8. I absolutely love the picture of you with him as a baby! Priceless! So glad you are choosing to basque in the wonderful positive memories of your time together – and sharing them with all of us. As the Who’s said in Dr. Seuss “WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE!” Let us know how we can best support you at this trying time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: