Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.

Numbness, longing, heartache, sadness, triumph (yes triumph), and even a bit of fear are coursing through me as I mark another year without Jordan. His death, so sudden, catapulted me into depths of despair that was never even fathomable until I found myself there. It is four years since Jordan died and as every October 12th nears, I hate that time must be marked and acknowledged by the death of my son. It is the day more than any other when I flip through all the events leading up to the police officers at the door telling us Jordan was dead and I like untangling a physics problem I wonder what event could have been injected to the day to make things turn out differently?

There are things I wish had happened. I wish that he’d stayed in New York hanging out with his childhood friends and celebrating his friend Luc’s birthday. I wish I’d called him while he was on the road, telling him to be mindful of the traffic and waking him from his slumber. As many times as I collect all my what ifs and wishes and lay them out before me the same conclusion is drawn every time. I’ll never know if there was anything I could have done to change the trajectory of the events that led to Jordan’s death.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I’m not dreading the anniversary of Jordan’s death as I have in the past and that is my triumph! The passage of time and how I’m using my time is helping me to make peace with that fact. (Thank you Tom)

Feeling less dread means that instead of turning my back to October 12th, I face it head on knowing there will be tears and sorrow but that I can also open myself up to grace and all the beauty that surrounded my wonderful boys’ life. As I’ve said to my children many times when the ache of missing Jordan seems unbearable, “We’ll miss him together.” The security of the companionship that is captured in those words also applies to our love for him. It is attainable, sustainable, and above all else eternal.

On the first anniversary of Jordan’s death Kendall suggested we commemorate it by going to Wendy’s and getting frosty’s because, as she said, “Jordan liked frosty’s.” Thinking back on the sweetness of her gesture I know that pockets of joy can be coaxed through even the most powerful grief. I’m learning that I can celebrate Jordan’s life any time I choose, even on the day he died. His last day on this earth was spent with friends and having fun, what a thing to proclaim. My son died at 9:32pm October 12th, 2008, but prior to that time he lived with a fullness that not many can match.

The hard work of living with loss is leaving me open to doing more than reliving the trauma of that day, but also capturing the precious gifts that day gave me. I heard my son’s voice for the last time and it held no regret. I told him I loved him and he replied, “I love you too.”

I’ve already asked Mark if he’ll go to the movies with me, something that Jordan loved. Maybe after the movie we’ll make our way to Wendy’s and order frosty’s, just because Jordan liked them.

Jordan Alexander Moore-Fields
August 9, 1989- October 12, 2008
A Life Well Lived

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Comments on: "We’ll Miss Him and Celebrate Him Together" (8)

  1. Debra Estep said:

    Dear Jordon’s Mom …. I came upon your post, via Tom Zuba’s FB message.
    What a beautiful tribute to your son….. Sending my prayers.

    In early October, here in Ohio… I took this cloud photo. It reminds me of
    an Angel Wing. I’ve personalized it with your son’s name…..

    • alwaysmomof4 said:

      Thank you so much for the beautiful image. I’m going to place it on my FB page as a gift from you. It is extra special for me because I’m from Ohio. What a lovely connection.

      • I, too, found your tribute via Tom. It’s a wonderful tribute to Jordan. Thank you for sharing it. It speaks to me of the love you have for your son and of the hope I have for my journey with grief. “…I can celebrate Jordan’s life any time I choose…” are very inspiring words.
        The gift from Debra Estep is amazing. A precious picture indeed. Sending prayers

  2. Hi Jackie, I found your blog through Tom Zuba … I lost my 20-year old daughter Elizabeth on 9-20-03 when she died of smoke inhalation from a fire in her college duplex. I also write a blog to continue to share stories and memories and the journey through and with grief. Here is the link to Love Lives On http://kimwencl.com and here is a link to Liz’s memorial page on Campus-Firewatch http://www.campus-firewatch.com/parents-page/liz-wencl/

    Continued blessings and love to you on your journey …. Kim Wencl

  3. Dear Jackie,
    My prayers to you and the family.
    Jordan will always remain in our hearts, he touched us all in unique ways.
    Kamana ( Oak Park)

    • alwaysmomof4 said:

      Kamana,
      Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. We are so fortunate to have your wonderful family in our lives.
      Jackie

  4. Your ability to celebrate your son gives hope to those of us who have just started this journey. How are you using your time in ways that have helped you to cope? Your love for your son shines through all of your writing, but clearly you have not gotten stuck. I would like to be able to feel joy again someday as you do.

  5. Debra Estep said:

    Jackie….

    That is a beautiful connection that you are from Ohio. STRANGE thing, I wanted to let you know that it was an actual photograph and current. Then ‘something’ MOVED me to say… taken in OHIO. ;)

    I would be MORE than happy to create any one a memorial cloud photo… Just drop me an email, with details. I have made several for friends this month. At the top I have written… In Loving Memory …. my email address is AFMomDeb@aol.com

    PLEASE add … Angel Cloud as the subject line so I don’t miss anyone’s message.

    I also have a board on Pinterest that is dedicated to grief and sympathy….
    Maybe something there will touch someone’s heart….

    Prayers for all,
    Debra

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